Facebook FAQs

Drew, this crazy/funny guy I work with, let me snag this from his Facebook page:

I was exchanging e-mails with an old friend and I mentioned a fake FAQ that I numbered #34. I then wondered in my e-mail exchange what the first 33 FAQs would be. I wrote these as a creative exercise and found them fairly amusing. Thought I’d share.

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FAQ 1 - Why is it called Facebook when really, it isn’t all that much about faces or books?

FAQ 2 - What do I do when someone I really secretly hated but pretended to like so that I could get a ride to that dope Public Enemy concert back in 1988 invites me to be their friend?

FAQ 3 - Is it bad that my self confidence relies heavily on the number of friends I have?

FAQ 4 - If the answer to FAQ 3 is yes, how can I seek help? Is there a qualified expert I can invite to be my friend to solve this problem? Better yet, is there a large number of said experts so that I can increase my friend count while simultaneously increasing my self confidence?

FAQ 5 - Screw the answers to FAQ 3 & FAQ 4 - - forget I asked them. I’m secure. I really am. Hey, will you be my friend?

FAQ 6 - Is there a list of FAQs that expand on this list of FAQs?

FAQ 7 - Is the founder of Facebook single and if so, is he straight/gay/indifferent/curious/polyamorous so that I can tell if I have a chance with him?

FAQ 8 - Is it fun to work at Facebook? Is Facebook blocked on the corporate Net connection at Facebook?

FAQ 9 - I just found out that one of my good friends from high school who reconnected with me on Facebook came out of the closet four years ago. If we fooled around a little during that truth or dare game sophomore year after having too much peach schnapps and spritzers, does this mean that I could be gay too? Am I in denial?

FAQ 10 - Once, when I was a kid, I killed a baby bird that had fallen from its nest. It was obviously suffering. Did I do the right thing?

FAQ 11 - Do you get paid for answering FAQs? Is it a good job? When you get things wrong, do your friends tease you for ‘FAQing up?’

FAQ 12 - Really though - - will you be my friend?

FAQ 13 - When I joined Facebook, I immediately looked up my old fifth grade student teacher. You know - the hot one who smelled like almond soap when you stood really close to her and kept unbuttoning the top button of her blouse before she stood up to teach American history. She just changed her status to single. Do you think I have a shot?

FAQ 15 - I’m 43 years old and have trouble counting past 13. Is it too late for me to consider taking a remedial math class?

FAQ 16 - When you wake up in the morning and check your Facebook profile first thing before eating breakfast while ignoring your crying, hungry children, you often wonder if Facebook is working on a way to transmit data to sleeping people in their dreams. Are you working on this? Can I be in the beta group?

FAQ 17 - If Facebook were a tree, what kind of tree would it be?

FAQ 18 - Facebook on my iPhone crashed on me while I was using it while driving and I caused a four car pileup. Don’t worry - no one is hurt. Can you recover the e-mail I was writing?

FAQ 19 - When you’re down and troubled and you need a helping hand and nothing - whoa, nothing! - is going right, can you close your eyes and think of that sweet status update you did last week on Facebook to feel better?

FAQ 20 - If a train loaded with bread leaves Boston going 60 miles an hour at the same time a train loaded with salami leaves Chicago going 90 miles an hour, will the resulting head-on collision be as delicious as it sounds? I like salami.

FAQ 21 - I realize that not all of these FAQs are specifically Facebook related and apologize. Are you still reading this?

FAQ 22 - Given the volume of FAQs here, have you considered opening a sister site known as FAQbook? People could pronounce it in a snarky, hipster manner like ‘Fakebook’. This would lend purpose to their otherwise humourless life.

FAQ 23 - Why do some people spell humor and color with extra vowels? Do they think they’re betteur than me? See what I did there? How’d it make you feel, Canadian!

FAQ 24 - If Facebook got MySpace drunk and they engaged in a heated night of passion and sweet, sweet love, would an even better social network be the result or would Internet inbreeding result in a genetic cyber mess of jumbled Web pages with advertisements for erectile dysfunction medication and Internet long distance companies?

FAQ 25 - When your cat is licking your face and her breath smells like catfood, is it bad to get hungry?

FAQ 26 - I’m getting off topic again with my FAQs. What I meant to say in FAQ 12 is that I think we should be friends given the length of our relationship. You’ve now been through more than 20 FAQs with me. Shouldn’t that time together count for something?

FAQ 27 - If my husband/wife/SO is spending too much time with Facebook and not enough time playing World of Warcraft with me, should I start considering a divorce?

FAQ 28 - I recently dropped a friend from Facebook when I caught her in bed with my husband. My boyfriend says that I overreacted. Is he right?

FAQ 28 -Whoops - - I just caught my error in FAQ 15. I told you I had a problem. This FAQ is correctly numbered now. Do you like Cheese Whiz?

FAQ 29 - If I’m caught on Facebook at work one more time, I’ll be fired for wasting company resources. Is there a way you can make Facebook look like an earnings report spreadsheet for the third quarter? You know, I can see my friends in the 3rd row and their status updates in the fourth row. I could then do cool things like say ‘Wow, cell A4 looks like positive news’ and my boss would think I’m hard at work when really, I’m finding out that Tom, that cool guy I met last week in Cabo is going to be in town for the weekend and wants to hook up for peach schnapps...oh wait, I am gay.

FAQ 30 - If I delete my Facebook account on accident, does this mean that all of my friends are immediately killed in horrible ways?

FAQ 31 - How does Facebook protect my privacy? i don’t like people knowing too much about me. Is there a way for me to make my Facebook private to everyone except me? Wait. I just realized that would be stupid. Pretend I didn’t ask this question.

FAQ 32 - What the front door are Snowball Wars and why should I care about stupid snowballs?

FAQ 33 - Why should I care if one of my friends wants to know my birthday? It was yesterday, Chelsea - - if you must know!! Doesn’t she know that birthdays are a myth invented by the greeting card companies designed to make us spend beyond our means? Speaking of which, that was a fake Coach bag you got me, you stupid #@$$#@%!! Thanks!